It’s been quite a while since I posted and a LOT has changed since I have. Over the past couple of years I realized I needed to take time for myself to process through several losses in my life.
The biggest of all was the loss of who I was.
I can’t really pinpoint when I lost myself, I think with many of us it just happens over time. You may find yourself making small changes to fit your job, fit expectations of loved ones or society itself. It is so gradual that you don’t even realize you are doing it until one day you wake up and wonder, “Is this really me? Do I really believe this? Is what I’m doing really filling my heart with joy?” When I started asking myself those questions I already knew the answer.
My answer was NO!
I had been feeling it for years but afraid to face the truth because the truth was, I had the power to change it!
Me, no one else, just ME!
I didn’t want to face it because that meant I had to own it. I don’t know about you but I sure didn’t want to admit that the pain stemmed from the choices I made. I chose to hold onto false beliefs about myself that I wasn’t enough. I chose to not set boundaries or hold people to them, including myself. I chose to do things to “keep the peace” or make others happy all while making myself miserable. I chose to put on the mask each day and show the world I was someone I wasn’t.
Yes, I was making choices that was creating the pain because I was afraid I would be unloved, rejected or abandoned. And for the longest time it was so much easier to blame someone else. That was until the pain, anger and resentment became unbearable.
That’s when I made a new choice.
I CHOSE ME!
I slowly started making choices based on what I wanted and needed. I let go the need to please others, to keep quiet in fear that others wouldn’t like what I had to say. I started moving and listening to my body. I started filling my life with things that brought me joy.
It wasn’t easy.
I stumbled and fell many times along the way.
In fact, I there were times that I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. But I kept with it, because I believed the end results were worth it.
I believed, I was WORTH it!
I stopped making decisions based on what I thought others wanted me to do. I started speaking MY truth and expressing who I am. I started feeling my emotions instead of stuffing them.
Then like with loosing myself I slowly started feeling myself come back to life. I was feeling more peace within and joy except for one area of my life, my job. I knew I had to make a change but I was scared. I struggled between the choice of finding another job then quitting or just quitting. I looked at other jobs and they made my heart sink and fill with dread just like my current one did.
The only thing that made my heart sing was the thought of creating a business where I could create art, write and teach others how they could do what I struggled for so long to do, LOVE THEMSELVES WHOLLY, even the dark shadow side they are avoiding. Finally after being guided to listen to my heart I knew the answer.
I didn’t know when or how but I knew what I needed to do and it would happen soon. About a week later in the midst of a phone call with my Managing Director, I heard these words escape my mouth,
“I think it’s best if I resign.”
OMG, it felt so good and terrifying at the same time!
I did it, I actually did it!
I quit my job so I could finally make the time to create my business! This is something I’ve dreamed of for so long and had been afraid to do. Here’s the kicker though,
It feels so right.
This is the happiest I have been for ages and I feel at peace with myself. I no longer have that inner turmoil eating me up inside because I am finally allowing myself to be ME!
I am also joyfully creating new products and classes to help you with your creative journey of self discovery, so you too, can create the life you’ve dreamed of.
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